The View From The Ocean's Edge

I admit, I've been bad about posting regularly this last year. It's been busy and hectic and whole months slip by unnoticed.

I took on a second part time job, because finances. The less said about that the better. The good part is they pay mileage, and it's on my own time and it makes things a little less stressful. But lately it also means been working 7 days a week.

And the diabetes diagnosis, I haven't said much about that lately. Except that my numbers are very nicely under control - shocked my doctor with my improvement at the 3 month mark, cut my meds back to a half dosage and things seem to be remaining stable. Even through the holidays and my returning to less strict eating patterns my BGL have stayed pretty reasonable. Even the occasional pastry is back in; although I'm still very cautious about potatoes and rice, and pretty much avoiding pasta all together. So really not cut anything out completely anymore, just LESS of. Still keeping all my 3 month check ups and minding how I go, although I've also kinda gotten lax on my spread sheet trackers as well - I need to be more diligent about that, but getting back into the habit when everything is so ... pressing, is difficult.

This brings us to the events of the past few days.... I'll give you the Coles Notes Facebook version:

"So.
I kinda pushed James a little into buying the Durango. He hadn't been really interested in the ad.... but I made him look at the ad a 2nd time. And go out and see it. He has really enjoyed owning it, and I was so pleased that finally after almost 8 yrs in Canada he finally had a decent vehicle he liked, and was comfortable in and.........

I wrote it off today.
A stupid error in a moment of panic.
Hit the gas instead of the brakes.
Took out a phone pole.

I got lucky and only side swiped the pole. Otherwise the truck wouldn't be the only thing that's gone. I banged my hand up and I've got a good rope burn from the seatbelt. Otherwise I'm just devastated, embarrassed and broken hearted that once again I've made a stupid mistake that's going to cost us a pretty penny, and thrown our lives into logistical hoop jumping and ... spoiled something nice for him."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I got this plan.... to toss my hat in the ring for the Great Canadian Baking Show - a new entry into the reality TV series game from the CBC ... based loosely on The Great British Bake Off - I'm working on my application. I've mostly put it together well I think..... still trying to get a photo of me I don't hate.... the problem is that they all look like I'm 52 LOL! The other problem is that a 'application video' is recommended (but not required) "for a good video, see out Video Tips" - I can't find their video tips - not on their website, not on the cbc's not via google - I got nothin'.

So plan is a 5 min video - no action sequences baking - that just ends up with camera shake - no script, just a few notes on key points I want to touch on.

I don't know if I'm reality tv material - lord knows I can talk a blue streak. And I can bake, and I am competitive - I just have trouble seeing cooking as a competitive sport ...... still if it gives me a shot and maybe seeing some of our life ambitions to fruition. My cafe outside the park, our Arthcwtch Creative Space and Workshops, then I'll go to just about any lengths to make that happen.
I think I'll have to try again on the photos....the whole squinting wrinkly forehead thing doesn't work well.
"

I've also been working on the tax returns, because there is money coming back to us there. However it's been a bit of a pita - despite the simple calculations of mine and the Feychild's.

"Frustrating day.... still can't find the 'video tips', trying to figure out the difference between the accountant's tax return last year (which shows a $2300 deduction from total income) and this year's tax return where I see no category or box check where I would qualify for that kind of deduction..... this may well explain the difference in outcomes for this tax year, BUT I don't have his working copy - just the final summary page of the assessment - so I figure I'll try logging into My Account at CRA for the past filing.... except it won't accept the username and password I have .... or the "security question" answers (must get all 4 right - I'm sure it's the Make of Your first car - that's screwing me up), too many attempts - locked out, so reregister - but to have them email me the security code to activate the account (rather than wait for Canada Post) I have to physically speak to someone - but because it's tax season, the lines are too busy and I can't get through.

The good news is that the brake lines on Ziggy2 look pristine and should be able to fix the brakes on Ziggy the First ... but these things don't happen instantly and it's cold out and ... the poor man :( but we need a working vehicle... now. Insurance inspection should have happened today or tomorrow - but so far no actual call from the guy actually coming out to look.... just calls from people confirming that he will call *head*desk*. Pretty sure it's gonna be a write off and the buy back will probably make it not worthwhile.... but we'll see. We can replace it with an identical yr/model for probably $5000-$6000 - we were into Chuck for $5K so that's not unreasonable, but unless I win the Bake Off it might as well be a $1 million.

The work I was out to do yesterday is supposed to be completed by Friday, when the new tasks come down for next week. Staying in touch with my supervisor, but honestly wondering if there's a point in doing a scan on Thursday and then going out and doing another one on Saturday?

Holding tight and trying to get through everything one step at a time. And taking tonight with Him as "Date Night" .... because that's the thing that helps keep us sane."

So hopefully we'll get you back to one of our regularly scheduled Market Day, or now the new Prep for The Great Canadian Bake Off posts very shortly.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

One thing I haven't talked about much here on this blog is cars.

Oh I mention them on occasion but never much in depth. One of the things that James and I share, is a fondness for things automotive. Now, grant you, we're not as obsessed as some, but we both have a relationship with motorized transport that goes beyond "an appliance to get from a to b. For James I think it was growing up at a particular time in car culture in Australia; for me I think it was my Dad, and my brother Michael.

I'm not a full on gear head, but I like cars. I like motor racing of a certain age and vintage too. I do have certain particular tastes and areas of interest. I like post war, particularly 60's, British cars. Jags, Land Rovers, Morris are always on my radar. And I'll take notice of Nortons and Triumphs and TVRs, as well as MGs, Rovers, Austins, Astons and Sunbeams. With at least a passing awareness of Rolls, Alvis, Bently, Bristol, Daimler, Jensen and AC. This existed for me before James and I met. It was one of those "things we have in common" things - it's not what brought us together, but was one of the weird little bent things that made us twisted in just the same ways.

Back in 2008 when James finally moved to Canada, he was greatly unhappy with my 2001 Dodge Caravan (and who can blame him!?) He worried about my driving to my critical services work at all hours, in all weather, in it and wanted me to have something 4 Wheel Drive. So once his house sold we went hunting for my 'birthday present', something SUVish, and affordable, we budgetted about $15K. I had looked at KIA SUVs and crossovers as affordable, but he wasn't happy with the questions of quality and reliability and preferred something used, and older model but a more known quantity. We considered Subarus - I liked the Outback, but preferred a 6 cylinder, the Forrester was a possibility (we ended up buying one last year as a runabout) but couldn't find one we were happy with in our price point. Then he happened upon a Land Rover Discovery II in respected used car lot. There were other possibilities, including a big Blazer SUV, but the Disco really sang to me, as he knew it would. It wasn't just buying me 'a' car, but buying me 'my' car.

Bertie came to live with us.


It is kind of ironic. I didn't actually get to drive it much the first year I had it. Having picked it up in late August it had an oil cooler failure on Thanskgiving weekend which took him out of commission until December (when they finally found a replacement engine), and then there were drive train failures in February which resulted in another 12 weeks off the road. Fortunately we had bought a warranty with the car that cost us a chunk of change but probably saved us $5000 in the end. Bertie has run well ever since. But it did lead to a moment standing around waiting for parts at the local Land Rover, Jaguar, Volvo dealership and my mooning over a new Aston Martin I thought would look stunning in our Seal Cove driveway parked next to the Disco (and it would have) and James very good naturedly rolling his eyes at me and saying "Good god woman, don't you want at least one vehicle that works?" He liked to pick on my fondness for British automotive engineering, but then promptly bought himself a 1989 Jaguar XJS project car that I'd had my eyes keenly fixed on. Bastid!


Time and us moved on to other things and places. Now 7 yrs later we're living in the wilds of Nova Scotia, and Bertie is parked in the driveway waiting on our mortgage application to acquire a donor vehicle to make him right for inspection and licensing here. Catherine is also still with us waiting on the same funds to acquire about $600 worth of parts to make her road worthy again, and probably another $2000 worth to make her 'finished'. As our lives have grown more rustic so too has my garage 'wish list'. For farm 'work' vehicles, I've set my sights on getting my hands on a pair of Morris Minor commercial vehicles. Specifically a panel delivery van, and a pick up truck with the canvas cover. Both of which, while rarer than the cars, can still be had brought to Canada and restored and North Americanized for about $10,000-$15,000 each.


Along that line I had had for a while, my eyes on the new Fiat 500 (because the old ones are hard to get) and I thought that they had done a better job than the Beetles and the Minis at staying true to the original. However, it really isn't the original 'Cinquecento' in style or spirit, but at least it's cute and not entirely yuppiefied. Saying all that, a Morris Minor convertible or cabriolet, would serve the niche that a Fiat 500 would as well and match nicely the other two MMs.


The final car in the Morris Minor line is the Traveller, an estate version.

Now I've always been of two thoughts here: 1. I love estate cars/shooting brakes/station wagons (whatever your particular culture calls them) 2. I'm really not all that fussed on 'woodies'. It was a bit of an internalized argument. Saved by the fact it's a Morris Minor, and that the wood is real ash and structural, not just crap for show. The love affair with station wagons came from growing up through the 70s when cars were still boats, and a wagon was a land yacht and I'd always envisioned doing a camper style conversion on one. I love camper conversions, that may be something else I inherited from my Dad - his Blue Bird Blunder Bus converted to take the family to Expo in 1967. I loved it, but it wasn't exactly a stylish or comfortable job, it was functional. Or it may just be my love affair with repurposing old junk into beautiful functional things. Or it may be that I grew up though the van conversion hay days of the 70s (air brush anyone?) Doesn't really matter why, what matters is I keep seeing campers out of everything. From big boat station wagons to the delivery trucks my ex used to drive, to my Morris Minor fandom, and was probably the thing that led me to lusting after a Volvo P1800E - the shooting brake version of Volvo's answer to the E-type Jag. Yes, my motoring passions keeping crossing wire with each other and coming up with some interesting frankenstiens.

(Volvo P1800E)

Now the whole camper conversion obsession falls into three categories as well. There is the small camper, two person roughing it, weekender, little more than a hard top tent, car conversion. There is the larger take the 3 of us family, and the 2-3 dogs, and the 7-12 cats, bug out vehicle. The current Shamrock camper can/will meet this criteria when we get the firewall fixed and the interior redone, but I'm still interested in doing a cool version in an old short school bus, or a hotel people mover van, or .... something. James has even suggested something retro cool like the original GMC Motorhome.

(Paddy O'Tiddslaine) or..

(Retro-Cool)
Lastly, I'd love a custom little tear drop trailer that could be towed by a decent sized motorcycle for camping type camping.


Ok.. back to the question at hand. Does the small camper, two person, hard top tent fit in the Morris Minor collection? Do I do that camper conversion on a Traveller? The biggest question (literally) in doing that vehicle conversion is the sleeping bed (which is really the whole of the thing); my hubby is 6' 4" tall, I can fold up and sleep anywhere pretty much, him not so much. To convert a Morris would mean doing a stretch on it by at least two feet. Doable, but it spoils the lines and there's still a host of other Minor issues, and a lot of work.


The P1800E Volvo? The back bed still isn't long enough. Really, we need about 7 ft behind the front door post to make it work. Oddly enough the Forrester we bought last summer as a quick cheap runabout would almost do the trick, but not quite, and it's not got quite the quirky style I'm after here - not enough converting.

(Sherwood)

I've considered a host of donor vehicles over the years. An old hearse? That would work, but it would still be obviously a hearse conversion. An old ambulance? Possible, but Ghostbusters made buying those suddenly cachet and expensive. Don't really want a van / SUV conversion, that's getting closer to the Bug Out vehicle project. In the end, a compromise has been found. It's been suggested by James, and I think it would probably work, that a classic Suburban would do the job nicely. Quirky? No, it's not. What it is is so plain, so ordinary, so white bread bland that it's a completely blank canvas on which to paint the quirky vision of my dreams. I can do anything I like to it, to create my own unique style. Yeah it's a compromise, it's not a Morris, or a shooting break, or a big boat station wagon, but there were used a lot as small ambulances by companies that couldn't afford bespoke ambulance designs like Hess and Eisenhardt. So yes, I think its been decided that what I want as a donor vehicle is a 1965-1975 (with 68'-72' being the preferred years) GMC or Chevy Suburban with a blown engine (because James will replace it with an LS1 or L76 engine and a 350 Turbo gear box).


This really brings the 'garage' bays up to 10. Yes, I know, no one needs 10 cars. However, that's not the point. Jay Leno doesn't need 130(+/-) cars either, but he collects them each for a reason, he loves them each individually. I don't want 130 cars, but each of the 10 vehicles on the list serves a purpose and a niche and a reason 'why'. I might even expand the space to be an even dozen, so there's room for some of the cars on James's list and in case I discover other niche that need filling. Some women collect shoes. Me? I want a car for every occasion.

So my virtual garage/wishlist/project plans include:

• 1. Bertie - the Disco II


• 2. Catherine - her Leyland cousin the Jaguar (known to her friends as Kitty)


• 3. Morris Minor Pick Up Truck - probably a Jeeves (known for rescuing Bertie from his messes)


• 4. Morris Minor Panel Delivery - definitely a Wallace (for obvious reasons)


• 5. A 100" Defender project - built on the left over chassis after the donor vehicle has Bertie running right (this is one of James's pet projects)


• 6. Volvo P1800E - likely he's an Anderson, the Swede who wants to be perceived as Chelsea British


• 7. Morris Minor Cabriolet - the car for me and my dog to go to the beach in (don't forget your doggles Buddy!)


• 8. The Suburban camper conversion


• 9. Paddy O'Tiddslaine - the bug out camper (no don't ask me what I'm gonna do when we have ponies and cows and sheep and alpacas and chickens and ducks)


• 10. Pair of mid powered (600-900cc) touring bikes, and a tear drop trailer.

That'll leave 2 spaces (or possibly only one as I think the big camper might take up two spaces) in the 12 car garage.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

What?

... And a bright and shiny new year full of promise and possibility awakens, (complete with the first proper big fluffy flakes winter wonderland snowfall of the season). Seems like every year we seem all too glad to kick the old year out the door and welcome the new one. I don't think it was really 2014's fault it was a bit of a dud.... I think maybe we just wore it out, and by Dec 31st it's looking tired and shabby and 2015 feels much brighter.

It's true - 2014 was NOT the bright year we'd hoped for back on Jan 1st. If 2013 had been tough, 2014 was a slow descent from 'this doesn't look good, into some kind of scary places'. That said I can't completely knock '14, we have a roof over our heads - which while it is kinda scary the maintenance it needs that it isn't getting, it isn't falling in on our heads yet, and while tight finances and stress as a whole take their toll, we still have our health for the most part, and we have each other, and while we may have been a bit distant at times lost in our individual thoughts and worries, we've never wavered in our love and faith in each other.

We hit our deepest low in November when we were turned down for social assistance. However, The Feychild's application was approved (hers being separate as she's an adult now, and technically qualifies for Room and Board), and then shortly thereafter I found part time work. The business at the Market wasn't quite as grand for the holiday season as we'd hoped, but it was steady and it was growing, even if not in leaps and bounds, and there are still a few pieces on the table for January so we're hoping it continues to progress. All that and another helping hand from the parents (hopefully for the last time) and we had a more comfortable holiday than we thought we would, and we start 2015 feeling a bit like we've turned a corner and it may just get better from here.

Cautiously optimistic.

A friend recently said, her only New Year's Resolution in 2014 was to finish the year healthier than when it started, and would be putting the same Resolution forward for 2015. That seems right to me ... that all I really want out of 2015 is to end it in a better place then we're starting it.

Ain't no miracle bein' born
People doin' it everyday
Ain't no miracle growin' old
People just roll that way

So it goes like it goes and the river flows
And time it rolls right on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

Bless the child of the workin' man
She knows too soon who she is
And bless the hands of a workin' man
He knows his soul is his

So it goes like it goes and the river flows
And time it rolls right on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

Yeh it goes like it goes like the river flows
And time keeps rollin' on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

David L. Shire / Norman Gimbel

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

I think the interview this morning went well ... but then I'm never *sure* about these things.

Despite the familiarity with the questions, I did struggle with at least one key point "Can you give an example of a time when you exceeded expectations?" "Umm no, I have exceptionally high expectations of myself, I set the bar pretty high, I achieve what I expect of myself. I'm pretty sure those achievements exceed other people's expectations, but since those are rarely spelled out - I'm sure I exceeded them, but I'm not sure what their expectations were since I know mine are different that that." I definitely struggled trying to find the words for that one... same as "Can you name a time when you set a goal for yourself, and how you went about meeting that goal?" Well bugga. What I said was, "I'm always constantly setting challenges and goals for myself - every day strive towards things, it's what I do.... this week I decided I was going to learn to hand code drop down menus - not a big thing, sure I could have downloaded a widget or.... cut and pasted a bit of code from someone else, but I set out to learn it, and in 24 hours I had that puppy working." What I should have said was, "17 yrs ago I decided I needed a future, a career, not just a job ... I set out to learn to fly and become a professional pilot - that never happened, but along the way I learned a great deal more and it led me into a challenging and fruitful career I am really good at" It's hard to give those sorts of examples because I just don't think of it in those terms.

There were 12 questions, in total, I think I did OK on most of them, it's a scored system (60% is a pass - I'd find it hard to believe I didn't at least do that well, but then again I wouldn't find it hard to believe that one of the other 3 candidates did better either.... or at least 'smoother' answers.

But I enjoyed meeting them all, and the HR person was quite personable and chatty and asked a lot of interesting 'aside' questions about airline dispatch and what the heck I was doing in Corberrie NS.

Hope springs eternal.

---

Spent the rest of the day futzing with malwarebytes support - still trying to figure out what went wrong with the latest update install......

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

We're really good at making plans. James, myself, no one is better at researching and learning and gathering together source information and putting together a plan.

We are, less adept, at putting a plan into action. That kind of makes us daydreamers.

It's made for a bit of inner turmoil, of that 'ok, we did the big change to get what we wanted, how come we don't have what we want?' moments. There's an inner dissatisfaction with our lives at the moment. Nothing is really *wrong*, it's just not quite *right* yet. Some of that is our own fault, some of that is just a function of where we are in our lives, and some of it is a function of resources, some of it is just a function of "christ it's been a long winter". "The reality is never the same as the dream. Always."

However, one's life is always about the choices we make, if you're not happy, make different choices. At the moment there aren't a lot of choices we can make. Except day by day doing what one can.

Ok that was a long introduction to something that isn't easy for me to talk about - has never been easy to talk about.

I am fat.

Yeah no revelations there to anyone who knows me. It's always a difficult and touchy subject for me to talk about. On the one hand there's this whole body image self esteem thing that no matter how much as a woman you try to outgrow and distance yourself from. Still it's always there, even if just a tiny seed. Non of us like to say we're fat. Self acceptance is a wonderful thing, and *mostly* I have that. I recall reading someone's tag line somewhere that 'being fat is hard, being slim is hard, choose your hard" or something like that. I realized that I could give up most of the foods I loved, the cooking and the creating, the artistry I love, and devote hours a day to exercise and working out and I could be thin. I know a lot of people who love the physicality of their daily work outs and wouldn't be without it, who love running and marathons and the like. That's not me. It's never been me, running, weight lifting, aerobics, sports - it's never been me. I am not graceful, or athletic. I don't want to make running my hobby. My hobbies are writing and reading and researching and designing and cooking. That's what I do. That is my love and my joy. And I'm perfectly OK with that. Still this reality is not what I dreamed.

Admission: I am over 300 lbs. How much over I couldn't tell you exactly this moment. For the moment that's not the important part. The important part is that my weight is becoming disabling. That has been my fear over the years. It wasn't easy that I was no longer comfortable with cameras and mirrors, but I could live with avoiding those. I can't live with the disabling parts. Honestly it doesn't happen that you wake up one morning and suddenly you're disabled. It creeps up on you with each pound. Things get harder and harder and harder, and you begin to realize more and more you can no longer do things you could do before. This reality is not what I dreamed.

I've battled with my weight most of my life. I don't really need a lot of advice on how, or what I should do, I don't need another weight loss/exercise advice book for my birthday. My weight and I are on intensely initimate terms, I know it well. I know what my choices are. So that isn't really what this is about.

Part of the life choices of making the big move from suburban living to rural living was that there would be gardening work and farm work and walking and working with the dogs and cycling into the village and all of those things would lead me into a more active lifestyle and thus better able to balance the other more sedentary pursuits and finding a more passive balance in this battle. That was the dream. When we were living suburban and I was working and taking a more active approach to tackling my weight issues - it was a battle. It was an hour a day on a machine, it was constant notebooks and notes about how much of what I was eating and an hour a day of chronicling it counting and measuring and calculating the calorie carb and fat reduction in rebuilding a cake recipe and how much of that was 'allowed'. I mean really - losing weight became pretty much my only hobby, and it wasn't all that successful. I really don't want to put myself in a place again where I'm at war with food - I can't, I won't.

So I'm at a place of making some tough choices. I need to change my hard - for a while at least. The simple fact is that my current weight has now interfered with my other life choices, it's limiting my abilities to do the other things I wanted to do, that were supposed to help keep my balance. Walking, working with the dogs, keeping pigs and sheep and ponies and even working in the garden, even a lot of the pleasure of working in the kitchen has gone as a result of the permanent back pain I live with. So I need to try and bring my weight back to a place where I can put those things back in my life and find the balance, because right now, today, this reality is I couldn't physically do most of the things I dream about building my life around. I need to do that without making daily workouts and being at constant war with and in fear of food. I need to NOT think about food and weight and work this into a new habit. This is possible. I do know this. I know this because I have done it before. (Nov '04 to Jun '06 - when other sudden lifestyle changes up-ended my carefully built 'habits').

This isn't going to be easy. It's going to mean walking away from my art - I cannot cook and indulge in the kitchen creativity and make this work. (hush now all you who want to tell me I can, I know where my boundaries are, and I can't). This won't be, can't be, a permanent thing, I do need my art, I need my studio, and my painting with flavours and colours and textures - but I need to swing the pendulum the other way for a while to find the balance. So, I'm willing to make this commitment to myself for a year, it should work, will I end up a 135lb 26 yr old at the end of it? Nope, but then that's not what I'm expecting, I'm just wanting, needing, expecting, to reach a place in my life where I'm functional again, to reduce my chronic pain to a place where I can DO the things I want and need to do, to find the balance again. I was good with it in '06, I can be good with it again.

And because emotionally, this is a tough place for me, I am embarrassed, I am already feeling the loss. I am already very clear about what I need and must do, I'd really rather not a lot of 'rah rah hip hooray I know you can do this Vicky!' cheering sections, there's not much to cheer about here, I really don't need pep talks or advice books or any of that. It's the first step on a long hard road that by virtue of it's very nature is intensely personal and I will walk it alone.

Just wish me well on the journey and I hope I find my way back.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

Well folks - it's the first week of November ... and already it has begun. Social media filled with cranky, annoyed, grumpy, and just plain MEAN posts, memes, and quick shares. A lot of them will centre on this idea that somehow someway somewhere there is this enormous conspiracy to steal the joy from your annual spiritual mythos winter solstice celebration.

I've already seen them start. The general theme of which is always "It's Merry Christmas damn it! Not Happy Holidays", there's the general longing for the nostalgia of our youth posts; "I remember the good old days, when I was a kid .." and there's the angry, "We're a white Christian nation! Don't like it? Go back to your own brown Pagan country you interloper!"

Now I could spend a LOT of very annoyed paragraphs explaining historically speaking how the 'good ol days' really weren't all that good for a LOT of people, and most of us only see them as good through the rose coloured tint of nostalgia glasses. I could spend a lot of preachy paragraphs going on about how we are NOT a Christian nation, never have been. But ya know what? I'm not going to do either of those things. Because, as annoyed as the annoyance makes me, as intolerant of intolerance as I am ... I'm going to take a deep breath, slow down a moment, and say ... "Ya know what? I understand."

It's November. The clocks just went back an hour, we're all suffering from light deprivation, we're all facing Remembrance Day, Thankgiving, Christmas, Yule, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, annual solstice celebration stress. What should be a joyous time is fraught with shopping, errands, family demands and responsibilities, sadness for any number of reasons - missing loved ones, feeling alone - the Holidays are a TOUGH time people. For you. For me. For everyone out there. And the whole business is telling us we're supposed to be happy and we're not, we're annoyed and frustrated and we want to know WHO stole the joy outta our celebration.

The holidays weren't so stressful when we were kids. Mom and/or Dad, or Grandma and/or Grandpa took on all the stress. We played in the snow with our cousins, we went surfing with our friends during school holidays - and we didn't hear much about pagans or aboriginals or jews, we hadn't yet lost loved ones, and we didn't know from stress. Now as adults going into the holidays we're not happy - and it MUST be someone's fault. And so it is that we're cranky, annoyed, and generally prone to bitching at the random people known as "them", the ones who aren't like us. We see a meme on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram that mirrors our annoyance and we go "Yeah! That! And we click the 'share' button quicker than Santa can slide down the chimney and in a blink we've moved on to the next happy kitty picture and go 'awwwwwwwwwwww'. In the end, all we've done is continue to fill the world with a bit of negativity, to share the cranky around - because misery does love company.

Here's the thing: no one is stealing our joy. Nope. No one. It's just life. As an adult. We laugh at the movie "A Christmas Story" - set in the 'good ol' days' of 1950 because we were that kid, and our parents annoyance and frustration and stress was foreign and funny to us as 10 year olds, but they were annoyed and frustrated and stressed. In 1900, in 1950, in 1975, in 2000 and in 2013. Because it really always has been like this, part of the modern world marching on. No one CAN steal our joy. Our happiness, our mood, our joy is only our own responsibility. If I've learned anything from a lifetime of mood disorders its that the control of the horizontal and the vertical of how we FEEL is ... for the most part ... inside our own head. Sometimes there is nothing we can do about that. Sometimes the emotional well being is a chemical process we have to work through, sometimes it's a genuine grief we need to work through and process, but the emotion... the emotion is always our own and how we deal with it is a personal thing. Even those chemical and other processes that we have less control over, they can be improved, we can do little things to help it along, it won't necessarily make everything OK, but it can make it a little bit better.

No one ever felt better by being negative towards someone else. Oh sure we all need to vent and let off a little steam now and again, but blaming others whether subtly or overtly for our own pain doesn't really help us feel better. If you need to vent, do so, but think about where that negativity is coming from, release it and move on, don't use it as a way to cling to the cranky. I've never seen anyone's joy take away from another person's happiness, it doesn't work that way. Joy is infectious. Most emotions are. We should be putting out into the world what we hope to get out of it. It all sounds so Polly-anna doesn't it? "If you want Joy be Joyous" Ok, fair enough, there's a lot of days I can't manage much joy either, the best I can manage is "I'm tired and I'm cranky and I'm fed up and I'm not feeling very nice" Some days that'll get me a *hug* some days it won't - but I'm trying to focus on "I feel this way" rather than "you made me feel this way". It doesn't always work, but for the most part, realizing that my emotions are mine to do with what I will has given me an awful lot more control over how I feel.

Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk .... well that was a lot longer and more convoluted and psycho-babblish than I meant to be. All I really wanted to say was .... no one is out to steal your joy, and life and love and the holidays are a whole lot more joyous if we just try to be a bit kind *shrug*. Remember the next guy is probably just as stressed out as you are and could use a little kindness. Your Christmas isn't ruined because someone wished you Happy Holidays. Your "Seasons Greetings" are just as meaningful - if not more so - because they include everyone, rather than just one subset. And in this time of "Peace on Earth" and "Goodwill to All Humankind" it'd be a lot more peaceful and good will filled, if we take a second to stop and breath before we post or share the angry 'you took away my Christmas" rant and ask ourselves do we need to post this? Or do we just need to share a hot chocolate?



Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

So... he's been home and I've been slow updating ..

Not the reasons one would think...
But yes, its a level of distractedness.

Lots going on the last two weeks... sorting out the tilling problem took a level of research and running around and ... stuff.

Good news - bought a beaucoup used garden tractor with tiller and snow blower for an exceptionally good price, bad news it'll be available to us next season as it needs an engine rebuild, good news also bought a BIG arse walk behind Troy-Bilt Horse tiller - because it'll be next season before the tractor works and when the tractor does work the walk behind will hold it's value bad news despite running well standing still tends to stall when being used, good news he's pretty handy with engine stuff and he found the manuals online also good news also bought a good sized cargo trailer means hauling this stuff around or borrowing the neightbour's tiller if he can't find the issue with the walk behind won't be much of a pita, bad news the tomatoes I planted just before he got home blighted and collapsed over dead, good news in the process I discovered we have lovely frogs and many hummingbirds - cheered me up to no end after the disappointment, good news I had enough wood left from the first two raised beds to build a third (and there's still lots left) ... but filling it with soil from a separate commercial source and new half grown tomatoes set us back $200 - these are turning into expensive tomatoes, bad news after getting home Sunday night after a lovely day trip out to pick up the tractor one of the cats had collapsed, good news was I didn't inadvertently poison him, nor was it his kidneys and an immediate death sentence, nor did a dog eat him, was a case of FUS - something I hadn't seen since the mid 80's when pet food manufacturers improved and fixed their foods to reduce the rampant problem with dietary induced urinary issues in cats, bad news emergency surgery and subsequent care set us back $900 good news - he was home to help deal with this and the items sold in Australia meant we had the cash on hand, good news Basement Cat Cyrus is now back to his old adventuring self having bounced back from death's door so quickly as to surprise even the vet.

Going forward: good news: stuff is getting done, bad news: still gets done far more slowly than I'd like and there's way too much internet out there






been thinking about something else too lately....

while it might be a way to 'earn a living', copy writing isn't/doesn't feel like a new career path, it's a skill, I'm good at it, it should be marketable, but it's not a passion ... life ambition. Writing novels - yes - but I haven't sold one of those yet.

So in the search for possibly profitable new directions, I'm also considering a taking a course in canine hydrotherapy, possibly followed by a course in canine therapeutic massage. It feels like something I could be really passionate about.

Of course we're a long way (like an inheritance) away from being able to afford the kind of infrastructure I'd need to be able to practice it - and even then it might not be PRACTICAL - but then again neither is his laser business. In the meantime, my own newf has joint issues which are not going to get better for him as he ages so the skills learned won't ever go to waste....

So I continue to look for internet based writing / media opportunities to pay the bills and look at this as a longer term new career path, and keep writing because well - that's what I do.

I think

At least until the next bright idea hits me

And as long as I'm dreaming, might as well dream BIG


Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

It was a very tight two horse race in the end...

Initially we emailed our agent that we wanted to pursue an offer on the Tidd's Lane property. The house was done - move in ready, James really like the feel of the village and the area, the gardens are nicely pretty, as a number of people pointed out - it really had all the appearances of being the practical choice. However, we weren't really prepared to pay full asking price, and they weren't really prepared to budge much on their price. Fair enough.


So we talked, and lo - the more we talked the more we realized that really neither of us actually wanted the Tidd's Lane property. Oh it's a lovely property in many many ways, it is the more practical and sensible choice.

Yeah exactly.... when have James and I *ever* done something practical and sensible?

The truth was that to make the house work for us, we'd have to do this thing, and that thing and the other thing and.... wait a minute, it doesn't really fit as well as we want. We were busy talking ourselves into it, because we both felt like it was the house we should want. We went to bed Sunday evening feeling vaguely ill - neither of us felt like we'd made the right choice, but rather the choice that was expected of us.

What we really wanted was the Corberries house.

Big, old, dated, it's gonna be a ton of work in the end, it could well be Harbour Main all over again - BUT it's livable! Harbour Main was 4000 sq ft of must be restored to be livable. Corberries is what we said we were looking for "my grandmother's old country house", it has acreage (16), it has privacy (it might be on the road, but there are almost NO neighbours, and it's a VERY quiet road, it's not in the village) it has space (2400 sq ft), it has 2 garages, it has 'the room at the top of the stairs', and keeping the cats and dogs separated for their own safety will be much easier. The only thing it doesn't have is water access for the dogs, well frankly at $20,000 less than Tidd's Lane - that'll build us a heck of a pond - heck that'll buy us a heck of a tractor to dig our own pond! Once again we actually feel excited and pleased and looking forward to the house, we're yammering at each other about it's potential. We said we wouldn't pay for someone else's renovations and that's exactly what Tidd's Lane would have been. It sounds tempting to move into a house that's already done, but all the potential had already been maximized, there was little for a couple of creative types to dream and play with. We may be tired of home renos right now, but we will never stop tinkering on properties - and Tidd's Lane didn't afford that opportunity.

Initially we thought Tidd's Lane was the better location, with it's pretty fishing village and set up in behind the road on 4.66 acres. We thought that Corberries was a long thin 16 acres, going all the way back into the woods and needing clearing. HOWEVER, Tidd's Lane is in the village, 4.66 acres still has neighbours. Corberries is right on the road, but it's set back far enough to line the property with fences and hedges and 'screen it in' and the only neighbour is one house (also for sale) right across the road, and it turns out that the 16 acres is over 1300 ft of road frontage, going back 525 ft back - so the majority of the land has largely been cleared, but there's still enough of a woodlot to keep us in firewood for a long time to come.

In the end, it came down to our 'guts', we were looking for the right house to spend the rest of our lives in, the next 40+ years. We were looking for our 'Arthcwtch'. Our guts told us that Tidd's Lane is a perfectly nice home for someone, but it's not the sort of house that demands a name of it's own; it's not us. Corberries ... Corberries will be a money pit, it'll be an aggrevation and a pita, and banging our heads on the wall, but it has personality, it has charm, it will have elegance - this is the house we can turn into the show piece that is OUR personality, Corberries would bear the name Arthcwtch proudly! Yes, we're completely mad... we're gonna buy the house that is my Land Rover of homes.

So we put in an offer, $90,000 and conditional on a satisfactory structural engineer's report. We're fine with the whole home inspection thing - James does a better inspection than random home inspector dude anyway, and the only issues we'd be unwilling to tackle would be structural integrity - and James did have a concern or two about that - although on second look at the photos, less so. We'll have an engineer look at it, we may be nuts, but we're not crazy.

---

In the meantime, we've also managed to snag ourselves a camper. A nicely running 1980 23' Shamrock. It's not fancy inside, but, it is clean and neat and I don't have to worry and fuss over the dogs tracking mud in.





We're down to 3 weeks to deadline! We've got most of our ducks in a row, and the logistics organized, but OH MY WORD! There's a lot of packing and cleaning and grunt work still to be done! This morning we took care of a few critical errands while the agent was in to do the water test - arrange the U-haul stuff, insurance for the camper, another few odd bits and pieces from Home Depot. Now we've gotta get some actual work done!

It's almost 9pm, and no response from the sellers, they have until 4pm ADT tomorrow, so we just gotta sit tight and wait. And if this doesn't work, there is still East Baccaro, which was also a very nice house with potential AND most of the things we asked for :)

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

I've just watched the truck haul away 1200 lbs of furniture, books, dishes, clothes and stuffed toys that are the total of my daughter's life up till now.

Fortunately I have a week to try and steel myself for that moment when I send her on through security at the airport to board a plane into her future.

Unfortunately it's gonna take more than a week to get used to this idea.

This is HARD.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

Yes, after 6 weeks on the market we have a solid offer on the house. There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing on Friday and back and forth and sweating and $500 here, $1000 there.... but we have a deal. A solid deal. Yes, we would have liked more, but we are content that we got a fair shake, the incoming owners got a fair shake. All is right in the world. Yesterday was spent signing paperwork, getting over the shock, eating good steak and a couple bottles of wine, and a good night's sleep.

Only thing left standing is a home inspection to be completed this week. We don't anticipate any issues with that. By Friday we should have an unconditional contract in our hands. Soooooo stage 2 is complete.

Stage 3 is a biggie. We have seven weeks - September 17th, to a) find a place in Nova Scotia, b) close the deal there c) move the Feychild to Ottawa, d) move the Manchild into town e) arrange and move us, 5 cats, and 2 dogs to Nova Scotia. This entails a huge number of logistics, fortunately I have a good moving company already lined up (and we're paying them a small FORTUNE to make it happen), but there's still a lot of questions in the air. Moving the dogs? We'd like to find a used camper for under $5000 to do that, barring that a small cargo van, barring that one of us will go on ahead and the dogs will fly Air Canada Cargo (not something I want to do!). Moving the Feychild and the Rat Dog to Ottawa? I'm hoping the cheapest way is to put her on a plane, and ship her stuff with the moving company (waiting to hear back from them) otherwise, we'll just ship her boxes, and give her cash to buy some used furniture when she gets there. Moving the Manchild into town? He needs to find a job and an apartment or somewhere to live, and we've got to arrange the driving lessons for him. Moving the Jag? Well need to get that running ... battery + fuel pump, we hope! Don't know yet if we're sending it with the movers, or towing it ourselves behind the camper. There's a half dozen jobs around the house to be done before closing. Remove debris, remove tin shed, replace back door with a steel one.

Seven weeks.

Battle stations everyone!

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

Hurmmmmmmmm ..

I'd be willing to discuss though what IS the economic destruction or saving of North America look like?

This article would seem to propose that 'craftmanship' could save America. I personally like the idea of promoting the skilled trades, and craftsmanship and like the author have often bemoaned the deteriorisation of taking pride in skilled labour.

This isn’t a lament — or not merely a lament — for bygone times. It’s a social and cultural issue, as well as an economic one. The Home Depot approach to craftsmanship — simplify it, dumb it down, hire a contractor — is one signal that mastering tools and working with one’s hands is receding in America as a hobby, as a valued skill, as a cultural influence that shaped thinking and behavior in vast sections of the country.

I suppose by all rights it is an over romantised view, and terribly nostalgic. However, there does seem to be some quiet movement / backlash against the disposable society happening. There's been a quiet steady growth in things like lifestyle blogs, things like barrels for growing "100 lbs of potatoes from a single barrel" at amazon.uk

A recent UCLA associated study seems to indicate that while Americans can 'have it all' they're miserable, and have no place to put it.

I do know that I walked out of a job I hated, am selling up my suburban home and looking to buy one for 1/3 the cost, in order to go back to a way of life based on craftsmanship. Doing for one's self for us it's not about independence so much as it is about creative expression, that sense of joy and accomplishment that makes a salad make with your own tomatoes taste better. I like the idea of dealing with craftspeople and micro-economies.

So I guess the question (if there is one in all this rambling) is: has the mass manufacturing, mass market, building more, building cheaper, based economies grown beyond their ability to self sustain themselves? Are we moving quietly back to more micro economies? Is this a good thing? Is it a greenie thing? Is it just a handful of weirdos in hemp skirts and birkenstocks singing Kumbaya, or are we at the front of a revolution towards a new world order?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

I want this house, I want this beautiful beach for my puppies to run and play, I want 20 acres of field and beach and 30+ acres of woodland forest.

I fell in love with it 8 months ago when I first saw it on the realtor's website for twice the price, and was sad then because it had gone off the market, even so we couldn't have afforded it. Now we can afford it, now we can do it and have the money needed to update it left over, now we can build the century home of our dreams. Honestly the only difference between this and the millionaire moment homes I've wistfully gazed at .. is a bit of sweat equity.

My only concern is "it is structurally sound?" we went through that with the house in Harbour Main before we bought this one. Of course 3.5 yrs ago would have been the wrong time for a project like Harbour Main - now IS the time. But if I had a home inspection report detailing the foundation as solid.... I'd buy her sight unseen.

This one is in the middle of a lot of my "millionaire moments homes'... ocean frontage I could only own in my dreams, $650,000, $1,400,000, $299,000, $1,400,000

But this one I could have for..... $125,000 and a LOT of sweat, well ya know what I got sweat to spare. It will be as beautiful, as wonderful, as perfect, as any of those.... when we're done with it.



My heart is gonna be in my throat watching this one between now and getting this place on the market.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

Oh my.. oh my ohmyohmyohmy....


This is an MKT90 mobile army field kitchen (MAFK???)...
Dear hubby sent me the links - it's for sale.

For $5000

I want.

I want this like I've never wanted anything in my life.

It's my 'food truck' - with panache. It's my canteen. It's my tourist trap food stand with yum. It's my EXACTLY what I need.

And it just ain't gonna happen.

I'm in tears.

I'd sell my first born child (but ain't no one paying $5000)...
$5000 is just so close to being ALMOST doable. Wrong time wrong place. Don't have $5000. It's in Ottawa, which wouldn't be so tough from Nova Scotia, from Newfoundland... pretty much impossible.

*CRY*


(more pictures here: http://militarytrucks.ca/for_sale.htm - bottom of the page)

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

Nigella Lawson "My Love Affair with Salted Caramel"

I love this article... I love the way Nigella speaks and writes and thinks about food. There are a lot of chefs and cooks out there from Julie Child, to Alton Brown to Michael Smith to Anthony Bourdain, to Mark McEwen to Heston Blumenthal to Feria Adria to Chuck Hughes that I love and admire and read - and all of them have one important element in common: they are PASSIONATE about food. But when Nigella speaks, when Nigella writes - it is a love letter to food, it is with her heart and her soul and her passion she pours out in a sinfully delightful way that leaves one breathless and panting and feeling just a tiny bit naughty. It speaks to the heart of a quote from a favourite book "Like Water For Chocolate": "to the table or to bed, one must come when one is bid". There IS a direct lizard brain connection between sex and food. There is a direct lizard brain connection between art and sex. For all that cooking is chemistry and science in action - even the molecular gastronomists (who btw abhor that misnomer, preferring instead the title alchemist) bring passion to the equation. Love, delight, joy, sorrow, ... they talk about in chef training ... about storytelling with food. This is the chef as the artist. This is MY art. My palette. The kitchen my studio and why I refer to it as the Apothecary Kitchen. Nigella, her voice, her art, her standing in the light of the fridge at 4am, eating from a container in the fridge with a spoon because you just HAVE to have one more bittersweet delicious BITE; her art speaks most closely to my own. Speaks to my PURE delight at having made homemade chili mayonnaise in a blender in 5 minutes this week, and sitting there with big chunks of fresh bread in hand cleaning out the blender and feeling a bit like a 5 yr old with a cake batter bowl, and hands getting messy and sticky and knowing you'd never really want anyone to SEE you like this and feeling guilty and a tiny bit dirty in the moment of indulgence. It was a private moment. So I sit in awe of Nigella and her ability to give life to that artists moment in a way that I've continually failed to do.

Originally posted to: The Plan® comment there or here

3 years ago I stole this from the_epic, and reading it again....

Ya know my vision of the 'perfect place' haven't changed that much..

I will own a majestic old floor standing globe
I will own an enormous bed, built of two king sized mattresses
I will own many pieces of interesting and unusual art from around the world
I will own a camel back steamer trunk

My kitchen has expensive spices
My kitchen will have a brick wood burning bake oven
My kitchen will have two freezers or a single large walk in
My kitchen will be french provincial AND professional (think Ratatouille)
My kitchen will have space for people to help cook
My kitchen will have places for people to sit and talk with me while I cook

My place will have a giant outdoor chess set
My place will have ponies
My place will have big woofy dogs
My place will have water for dogs and people to play in
My place will have quiet and tranquility
My place will have a fire laid in every fire place
My place will always have a room made up for a friend

So while 'The Plan ®' evolves and changes, the vision that drives it ... doesn't.

Originally posted to: http://www.oceans-edge.com/blog/?p=77 comment there or here

A funny thing happened on my way to LiveJournal....

Life.

Oddly enough for a long time, on this blog and elsewhere - if you go back to it's beginnings in 2003 - I was waiting. Waiting for my life to happen. I spent a lot of time talking about, writing about 'what ifs' and 'when...'s.

When I get a new job - one I actually want. When I move to a place I actually want to be. When I find real and lasting love. When I own my own home again. When I have a decent income. When my husband comes home.

And in the process I made a lot of plans and knew what I wanted - and yeah I was building towards those things, but most of it was planning. And as a result of some extraordinary luck, some intervention of the gods and my brother, and a lot of hard work, those dreams began to become reality. I found the love of my life, and you all watched us fall in love, I had the wedding of my dreams and you lived with me throughout the pains of planning it alone from 2000 miles away from where we were having it. You heard all about our glorious honeymoon. And then the sudden job offer out of the blue, and a literally almost overnight move to Newfoundland. You lived with the daily pain of our separation while he prepared his house for sale and we negotiated the immigration process. You lived through my daily frustration at a dream job gone sour. And you were there with me in joy when he finally arrived in Canada. You heard about the consideration of moving jobs again, and the promotion that came with it - and a nightmare turned into a dream overnight. You got to hear the pains and joys of getting his house sold and finding a home for us.

My life has become what I always wanted it to be - all the things I had waited for were happening - an you know what? It's wonderful. We are living the dream. We knew what we wanted. We planned and worked for it. And we got everything we wanted.

That's a pretty big up side.

But ya know there is a down side.

Since James got home last year, we've been so busy living life I haven't really had much time for sharing it in this venue. No time for dreaming and planning - that part is done. Now is the living it part. But *sigh* I miss you all.... I miss feeling a part of your daily lives. And my posts have taken on a rather angst free - and boring - tone. When I can write them. All the little things I used to blog about - the daily bits of life - well now you only get the BIG news stuff.

LiveJournal for such a long time was such a big part of my life, and of getting through some very trying periods. You all were there for me when my brother died. And when my other brother got married. You were there when my mother took ill in England and I had to fetch her home. You were there after my first Christmas in Australia. You were there the weekend James and I met in Portland (heck some of you even put us up for the night with free crash space)

The thing is that LiveJournal continues to be a part of my life and always will be - but I miss it's daily part of my life. I continue to try and keep up on the comings and goings of all these wonderful people I've never met, but still manage to call friend. But alas my posts become few and far between and little thread of connection between them - and some people have dropped me from their read lists (no this is not a cry for sympathy - hey it happens especially when I'm posting and commenting so rarely) and my leonine ego goes 'owwie' for a second even as I know why.

I miss writing every day - whether it's angst, or recipes, or some trivial bit of 'ohhh look what I saw today', there's a lot of things I miss... just not enough hours in the day. LiveJournal, writing fiction for pleasure (I started on this really great angsty piece on life and love and reality vs fantasy this morning - got about 10 lines written while trying to make breakfast - I might get back to it this century before I lose the mood of it), reading for pleasure, sewing, cooking, music. Maybe one day things will slow down just a little bit and I can spend more time enjoying this life I'm so busy building. Of course there's always retirement to look forward to - of course I'll probably find another project... like a project house to keep me too busy then.

In the meantime, goddess, I do love and miss you all. And I'd promise to try and keep more connected with you all, but promises tend to be hollow - especially in venues like this - so how 'bout we just make a good effort and see how that goes.