Musing, Pondering, Venting...
Apr. 27th, 2010 10:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oceansedgeI'm having a rough couple of days...
The always thought provoking and kind popfiend posed a question in his journal this evening and well as I was thinking about commenting there it kinda tied in a little with the stuff in my head right now.... so I thought I'd answer 'What kid are you always going to be?" here instead.
Well I know popfiend's pain... I too was that kid who was always picked last for everything, never quite the right clothes, never quite cool enough, picked on some, bullied some. And that kid is still here. But even more than that... I was the 7th kid in a highly dysfunctional family of 8 kids. And I was the kid who always just wanted to play with the big kids. There was only 2 years mostly between the 6 eldest, so for the most part they were a pretty tight group, me I was 6 years after M*, and well she didn't really want anything to do with me... With the family in the state it was in, I was just looking for some semblance of a 'normal' family and I wanted siblings. I believe in many ways our parents loved us, but that's really the rational adult having figured a few things out talking. Mostly I was lost - and I wanted, needed, craved acceptance. Acceptance from my father, from my mother, from my siblings. I was the kid who always just wanted to play with the big kids.
I am still that kid.
I wanted and needed to play with the big kids at work. I earned my place, I should have been proud of who I was and what I was doing, and I was, but there was still always the nagging feeling of being on the outside looking in. And I was - that wasn't my fault, but it still felt like the little kid not being allowed into the game. So yeah I took their lack of respect harder than a lot of other people might have.
I don't have friends ... not really. Two in the real world. Maybe a half dozen here online. I thought I had made one friend at work that turns out to be more 'friendly' than friend. He's a good bloke, and he's been quite good to me, but not the drop by for a beer sort, and the more I ask the more it feels like begging. James and I talk about cooking, about my dream kitchen, about my great entertainment arena ... but, even if I had it, I have no one to invite. The quaint dinner parties for 5 or 6 people all hanging out in my kitchen - no that's not a part of my life. No Big Chill weekends here. Peter's Friends are not my friends. Those of you here that I'm close to, and you know who you are... gods what I would give to hug you all, and pour you a beer and sit and talk through the night. But I live at the end of the world, and as much as I love this place - there aren't any friends here, and all of James friends - which I adopted by marriage are mostly in Australia, or they don't like me.
I'm still the little kid who just wants to be a part, and get to play with the big kids.
I still just want approval, James's, my work, my own. Because if I don't have it it must be because I let them down; I failed in some way; I messed up. Right now - things are difficult here because I quit the job - yes I second guess whether or not I should have done it. Yes I know I should have, but, for the sake of my family - should I have just sat down and taken it on the chin like everyone else in a dead end job does? Probably. They look at me and shake their head and think 'oh, lord, she's doing that drama thing again.
James really doesn't approve. He won't ever say it because he loves me. And I think somewhere in his heart he needed someone who needed taking care of. But he put up with physical illness and pain to stay in his job for 28 years - you don't go around quitting jobs. He doesn't approve, but he supports me because he'll back me in anything I need to do. So great I get to make the decision, f**k everything up, be responsible to fix it all, but 'whatever you need to do I'll back ya on it'. That's a lot of pressure, and frankly I don't know what or how he thinks about any of it because he figures I'm too fragile to tell the truth to. But I hear it anyway, I hear it in his voice telling me how I'm in the way and he's not getting anything done because I'm always dragging him away to one distraction or another to work on one of my projects. I feel guilty for having dumped all the responsibility on him in the first place, and resentful that he doesn't really live up to it... or maybe our expectations of running a household are different. I love him dearly, he is the kindest man I've ever known, but we are both world class procrastinators and our lives are going to hell in a hand-basket without someone making sure stuff gets done. I'm tired of shouldering all the responsibility but then getting blamed when I do. Mostly I feel his disapproval. The quiet resigned shaking his head.
My kid's English teacher doesn't approve of me. And I'm not sure what the guidance counsellor thinks. The Feychild's disability manifests in some odd ways sometimes, mostly she presents so normally that teachers sometimes forget that she's struggles with some things, and its not easy for ANY of us when she is trying to work through something. But I'm her mom, as her parent I'm supposed to be able to get her to 'pull up her socks', as her mom I'm supposed to be able to tell him what to do to get her working again. I'm sorry but autism is as big a mystery to me as it is to you.
Honestly if I knew what buttons to push to get some work out of my kids I would. They're bright they're personable, and they're slackers, I have a hard enough time getting a afternoon's work out of them on the weekends. James does not approve of their lack of involvement. I don't know how to fix it. But I'm supposed to.
The group home doesn't approve of me. I don't spend enough time visiting David. He had some issues when he came back after Christmas vacation - surely something must have happened here to upset him? How can I not know what's bothering him, what did I do wrong to upset him?
My neighbours don't approve of me. They think my dog is a menace and I'm irresponsible, and I'm quite sure she doesn't think I'm doing thing one about it. OK. Since December 5th, we have spent over $3500 - $2500 on new fencing, $1000 on training, countless hours working with the dogs, and they ARE better. But the neighbours don't see THAT. They see the 3 occasions since December 7th that Buddy has gotten out, they don't see that I was THERE each time he got out and it was never for more than 10 mins before I corralled him home. They don't see that Buddy wouldn't hurt anything - hell if he wanted to hurt the neighbour's dog, the neighbour's dog would be dead. She only sees the ONE time he crapped on her lawn - and yes I meant to go back and clean it up - but it was a three right circus right then and there, and I forgot. I keep Buddy in the house every night at bedtime, at least 1030pm to about 3am, although sometimes he sleeps all night, sometimes he goes back out at midnight. He only barks if her dog barks - but she sees it as my BIG noisy, mean, 165 lbs dog is 'barking all night long, keeping her up, he's getting out all the time and she had to clean up his crap, and now she has to keep her dog inside and it's all really NOT fair to her is it?' I came home and cried for an hour. I've put a LOT, time, money, effort into working things out. It hasn't been perfect. Buddy is not a perfect dog. But he is on his way to being a good dog and getting better. I am not a perfect dog owner, but I wanted to get better. I had hoped for some understanding, for some credit for the fact he hasn't been getting out everyday and harassing the whole neighbourhood like he did the week before we put him in lock down. They're right. He shouldn't be getting out, he shouldn't be messing up her lawn or bugging her dog. I've let them down, and they do not approve, of me, or of my dog. Anything and everything I wanted to say felt like making excuses. I dragged my dog home.
Ok that's enough angsting for now, I could go on for days... oh wait, I have.
So I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Like I'm not good enough to join in. I'm responsible for everything, and failing at most of it, or at least not doing well enough for anyone to approve of me. I want to stand up in a group of people and feel and be treated as an equal. But that almost never happens.
Because I'm always going to be the little kid who just wants to play with the big kids.
On the other hand - I'm starting to feel better now.
The always thought provoking and kind popfiend posed a question in his journal this evening and well as I was thinking about commenting there it kinda tied in a little with the stuff in my head right now.... so I thought I'd answer 'What kid are you always going to be?" here instead.
Well I know popfiend's pain... I too was that kid who was always picked last for everything, never quite the right clothes, never quite cool enough, picked on some, bullied some. And that kid is still here. But even more than that... I was the 7th kid in a highly dysfunctional family of 8 kids. And I was the kid who always just wanted to play with the big kids. There was only 2 years mostly between the 6 eldest, so for the most part they were a pretty tight group, me I was 6 years after M*, and well she didn't really want anything to do with me... With the family in the state it was in, I was just looking for some semblance of a 'normal' family and I wanted siblings. I believe in many ways our parents loved us, but that's really the rational adult having figured a few things out talking. Mostly I was lost - and I wanted, needed, craved acceptance. Acceptance from my father, from my mother, from my siblings. I was the kid who always just wanted to play with the big kids.
I am still that kid.
I wanted and needed to play with the big kids at work. I earned my place, I should have been proud of who I was and what I was doing, and I was, but there was still always the nagging feeling of being on the outside looking in. And I was - that wasn't my fault, but it still felt like the little kid not being allowed into the game. So yeah I took their lack of respect harder than a lot of other people might have.
I don't have friends ... not really. Two in the real world. Maybe a half dozen here online. I thought I had made one friend at work that turns out to be more 'friendly' than friend. He's a good bloke, and he's been quite good to me, but not the drop by for a beer sort, and the more I ask the more it feels like begging. James and I talk about cooking, about my dream kitchen, about my great entertainment arena ... but, even if I had it, I have no one to invite. The quaint dinner parties for 5 or 6 people all hanging out in my kitchen - no that's not a part of my life. No Big Chill weekends here. Peter's Friends are not my friends. Those of you here that I'm close to, and you know who you are... gods what I would give to hug you all, and pour you a beer and sit and talk through the night. But I live at the end of the world, and as much as I love this place - there aren't any friends here, and all of James friends - which I adopted by marriage are mostly in Australia, or they don't like me.
I'm still the little kid who just wants to be a part, and get to play with the big kids.
I still just want approval, James's, my work, my own. Because if I don't have it it must be because I let them down; I failed in some way; I messed up. Right now - things are difficult here because I quit the job - yes I second guess whether or not I should have done it. Yes I know I should have, but, for the sake of my family - should I have just sat down and taken it on the chin like everyone else in a dead end job does? Probably. They look at me and shake their head and think 'oh, lord, she's doing that drama thing again.
James really doesn't approve. He won't ever say it because he loves me. And I think somewhere in his heart he needed someone who needed taking care of. But he put up with physical illness and pain to stay in his job for 28 years - you don't go around quitting jobs. He doesn't approve, but he supports me because he'll back me in anything I need to do. So great I get to make the decision, f**k everything up, be responsible to fix it all, but 'whatever you need to do I'll back ya on it'. That's a lot of pressure, and frankly I don't know what or how he thinks about any of it because he figures I'm too fragile to tell the truth to. But I hear it anyway, I hear it in his voice telling me how I'm in the way and he's not getting anything done because I'm always dragging him away to one distraction or another to work on one of my projects. I feel guilty for having dumped all the responsibility on him in the first place, and resentful that he doesn't really live up to it... or maybe our expectations of running a household are different. I love him dearly, he is the kindest man I've ever known, but we are both world class procrastinators and our lives are going to hell in a hand-basket without someone making sure stuff gets done. I'm tired of shouldering all the responsibility but then getting blamed when I do. Mostly I feel his disapproval. The quiet resigned shaking his head.
My kid's English teacher doesn't approve of me. And I'm not sure what the guidance counsellor thinks. The Feychild's disability manifests in some odd ways sometimes, mostly she presents so normally that teachers sometimes forget that she's struggles with some things, and its not easy for ANY of us when she is trying to work through something. But I'm her mom, as her parent I'm supposed to be able to get her to 'pull up her socks', as her mom I'm supposed to be able to tell him what to do to get her working again. I'm sorry but autism is as big a mystery to me as it is to you.
Honestly if I knew what buttons to push to get some work out of my kids I would. They're bright they're personable, and they're slackers, I have a hard enough time getting a afternoon's work out of them on the weekends. James does not approve of their lack of involvement. I don't know how to fix it. But I'm supposed to.
The group home doesn't approve of me. I don't spend enough time visiting David. He had some issues when he came back after Christmas vacation - surely something must have happened here to upset him? How can I not know what's bothering him, what did I do wrong to upset him?
My neighbours don't approve of me. They think my dog is a menace and I'm irresponsible, and I'm quite sure she doesn't think I'm doing thing one about it. OK. Since December 5th, we have spent over $3500 - $2500 on new fencing, $1000 on training, countless hours working with the dogs, and they ARE better. But the neighbours don't see THAT. They see the 3 occasions since December 7th that Buddy has gotten out, they don't see that I was THERE each time he got out and it was never for more than 10 mins before I corralled him home. They don't see that Buddy wouldn't hurt anything - hell if he wanted to hurt the neighbour's dog, the neighbour's dog would be dead. She only sees the ONE time he crapped on her lawn - and yes I meant to go back and clean it up - but it was a three right circus right then and there, and I forgot. I keep Buddy in the house every night at bedtime, at least 1030pm to about 3am, although sometimes he sleeps all night, sometimes he goes back out at midnight. He only barks if her dog barks - but she sees it as my BIG noisy, mean, 165 lbs dog is 'barking all night long, keeping her up, he's getting out all the time and she had to clean up his crap, and now she has to keep her dog inside and it's all really NOT fair to her is it?' I came home and cried for an hour. I've put a LOT, time, money, effort into working things out. It hasn't been perfect. Buddy is not a perfect dog. But he is on his way to being a good dog and getting better. I am not a perfect dog owner, but I wanted to get better. I had hoped for some understanding, for some credit for the fact he hasn't been getting out everyday and harassing the whole neighbourhood like he did the week before we put him in lock down. They're right. He shouldn't be getting out, he shouldn't be messing up her lawn or bugging her dog. I've let them down, and they do not approve, of me, or of my dog. Anything and everything I wanted to say felt like making excuses. I dragged my dog home.
Ok that's enough angsting for now, I could go on for days... oh wait, I have.
So I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Like I'm not good enough to join in. I'm responsible for everything, and failing at most of it, or at least not doing well enough for anyone to approve of me. I want to stand up in a group of people and feel and be treated as an equal. But that almost never happens.
Because I'm always going to be the little kid who just wants to play with the big kids.
On the other hand - I'm starting to feel better now.
